if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
