somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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