I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
