And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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