It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
