He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
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