He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I need a beard to bite.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
