The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
