My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
