You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
