i may or may not be watching the land before time
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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