If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize