he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
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He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
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we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.