Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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