I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Randomize
