Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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