Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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