Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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