Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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