Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
