So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
