My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
