fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Randomize
