If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
