i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Randomize
