Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
