Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
