She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
