Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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