I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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