Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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