I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Rumble strips road head = magical
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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