4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
the condom got lost in my hair
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
