he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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