sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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