I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
