I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
