my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
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drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
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I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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