i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
