So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I just gargled with NyQuil
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
