He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just saw the nastiest chick.
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
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Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
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I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...