So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.