dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
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I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.