i think my mom watched the whole time
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is