Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Randomize
