Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
