Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
