Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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