i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
