Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
