NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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