Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
