I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
This can only be settled by a dance off.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are