the condom got lost in my hair
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.