I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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