hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
