I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
