Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
