Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
